As much as I love reading and writing, I’ve never gotten too involved in groups for either. They tend to be filled with a lot of ex-nerds with issues, many of which are all too eager to show off their new words and ideas while showing disdain for pretty much everyone outside their group.

I once heard a quote that was something like, “Wear your learning like your pocket watch, in a private pocket; and do not pull it out and strike it merely to show that you have one.”

Although I’m not sure who said it, that quote reminds me so much of them.

I’m going on vacation in a couple of weeks, and I could not be more excited. It’s been over a decade since I’ve taken a real vacation, so this is a much needed break from…everything. I’ve booked a place on a remote lake, and I’ll be lounging around on teak patio furniture for the first few days. From there, I’m moving on to the city, where I’ll stay for another 4-5 days and enjoy live music, good food, and decent weather. Have I mentioned that it’s been all of 40 degrees this week in the Midwest. Tomorrow is May 1.

It won’t be a real vacation, though, because I’m using the trip to research a move. If all goes well, I’ll be putting in my resignation in the next few months and moving down south.

I’ve always harbored fantasies of spontaneously moving to some random urban location like New York, but I can’t imagine how much of a pain it would be to move everything I own all by myself. Plus, I’m sure New York movers don’t work cheaply. Considering that I’ve been earning a Midwestern salary for the last several years, I don’t know that I’m ready to take out a loan just to pay the moving guys. Then again, maybe I’m wrong. Plenty of normal people live there, so they must be paying for it somehow.

I was thinking today about the use of contemporary slang in writing. Do you use it? Clearly, it can help liven up a piece by adding excitement and authenticity. Plus, some works are practically known for their odd slang or limited use jargon (Brave New World & 1984 come to mind for having all those bizarre terms).

The downside, of course, is that it can date your work and make it practically unreadable to people who aren’t familiar with your subculture, or people who come along years in the future. Case in point: Does anyone remember the part in Clueless where Cher (Alicia Silverstone) calls a guy a Baldwin?

The context helps us figure it out, but really - would you know that word if you just heard it on the street?

What do you think about slang?

I know that the Kindle is all the rage these days, but somehow, I just can’t get too excited over the prospect of reading books off what’s essentially just another computer screen. I tried carrying ebooks around on a usb flash drive several years ago, but it’s just not right. I need to feel and smell the paper, and my poor eyes need something that isn’t a piece of electronics.

Personally, I wish they made magical paper that would be like paper in every way except that it stored whole libraries. Of course, I don’t see that happening any time soon. People are just too busy curing cancer and saving the world to get around to my magical book.

I’ve decided that all authors should have home gyms. I’ve been spending a lot of time writing lately, and it’s definitely taking a toll on my waistline. I’m currently working on a huge project for a client and between that and other responsibilities, there’s just no time to waste driving across town to a gym where I will then wait in line to use equipment. That hardly seems worth paying for.

So, I’ve purchased a couple of home gym items and I’ll definitely be getting more. There’s just too much winter here to rely on the “good old outdoors”.

Unless you’re an in-house writer for a company, your work flow (and therefore, income) can be very sporadic. One week, you’re drowning in assignments and struggling to keep up, the next week it’s nothing but the sound of crickets. If you’re not careful about your financial habits, you could get yourself into a lot of trouble. A few tips:

-Never underestimate the importance of a savings account - Having lots of jobs one day doesn’t mean you’ll have enough the next.

-Constantly look for new work. Don’t let yourself stop sending queries just because you’re working on another project.

-Don’t accumulate more fixed expenses than you can handle. It’s hard enough to get credit when you’re self-employed. If you get yourself in a bind and miss a few payments, it will be nearly impossible.

Even though I’ve gotten better at writing on command in recent years (deadlines will do that to you), I still find myself postponing things I shouldn’t from time to time. Below, my favorite methods for avoiding the writing project of the moment.

-Playing xbox 360 - If only Halo would allow you to customize the guys you’re shooting at, then I could make the little men look like all my least favorite people…

-Cleaning the House - It’s funny. Writing is one of my favorite things, and yet somehow, I find myself trying to avoid it more than most things. I think most writers do the same thing, though, so I don’t feel too bad.

-Catching up on phone calls. When it’s time to write, I’ll suddenly remember that I need to update my phone number with all my credit cards, or call my cousin that I haven’t talked to in weeks, or make an appointment to get the cats groomed, and so on…

How do you procrastinate?

My Beautiful Mommy is a new book designed to help educate little kids about their parents’ plastic surgery decisions. I expect to hear a lot about this book in the next few weeks, because it’s definitely the kind of book that PR people and journalists love.

The unusual book did make me think, though. Here’s a list I came up with of other kid-friendly, modern-day titles:

-A is for Amplifier - An illustrated children’s guide to the alphabet, complete with entries like H is for HDMI splitters and R is for router.

-The People We Meet on the Internet - Like one of those children’s books that labels all the people you’d meet in a school or at a grocery store, this book would cover Internet favorites like cybersex predators, women that are really men, and webcam attention whores.

-The Internet Meme Flipbook Series - With all the favorites like Star Wars Kid, Lemon Babies, and 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Some books are so insane that I have to wonder if the authors or publishing houses did any market research at all. Really, there’s no excuse for not doing any in this day and age. Any moron with an internet connection can visit a free keyword research tool and get a general idea of what people are looking for.

Case in point: The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette. Really? Who’s going to be caught with this book? Of course, given the popularity of online dating sites for married people (like Ashley Madison), his may be a popular topic after all…