One of the things I’ve noticed over the years is that some authors are just plain scary. I’m sure you’ll notice that most of the people on this list are men, and someone will probably cry sexism, but come on - Would you be afraid of Joyce Carol Oates?

10. Jeffrey Eugenides - Turtlenecks and goatees. I just get this feeling that if we met up in an alley, he would scurry off, possibly spilling his coffee on me in the commotion. And we all remember the McDonald’s coffee lady, right? 3rd degree burns are never fun.

What he’s written - Middlesex: A Novel, The Virgin Suicides

9. Christopher Moore - He looks twitchy. I’m not sure what I’d expect, really, but I’ve learned to steer clear of the twitchy ones.

What he’s written - Bloodsucking Fiends, A Dirty Job : A Novel

8. Philip Roth - He may look polished here, but you should see him with a shovel and some Carhartt coveralls.

What he’s written - Everyman, The Plot Against America (Vintage International)

7. Maurice Sendak - Where the Wild Things Are? Is that a trick question? Seriously, how do children NOT flee in terror?

What he’s written - Where the Wild Things Are, Fine Art Print by Maurice Sendak, 24×18

6. Pat Conroy - He went to the Citadel. He has that teddy bear/grizzly bear look. You know the one - one minute it’s all smiles and kittens and happiness…the next minute some guy accidentally steps on his shoe and before you know it he’s retrieving his genitals from the trashcan. He’d be higher on the list, but I recently learned that he his released a cookbook. I’m gonna get it, too. I bet that guy knows what he’s talking about.

What he’s written - The Prince of Tides, The Pat Conroy Cookbook : Recipes of My Life

5. Tucker Max - What do you do when you see something like this in a dark alley? You run like hell. Duh.

What he’s written - I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

4. John Le Carre - He looks eerily similar to the guy who came to collect on my gambling debts. That’s good enough for number 4 on this list.

What he’s written - The Constant Gardener : A Novel, Absolute Friends

3. Salman Rushdie - I don’t trust anyone with two-toned facial hair. Don’t ask me why, but it’s served me well. I’m still alive, right?

What he’s written - The Satanic Verses, Midnight’s Children

2. Toni Morrison - I’m pretty sure that looking at her will turn you to stone.

What she’s written - Beloved (Vintage International), Sula (Vintage International)

1. T.C. Boyle - Does this even need explanation?

What he’s written - The Tortilla Curtain, Descent of Man : Stories (Contemporary American Fiction)

I’ve gotten a couple of e-mails now requesting that I review books here. While my time is fairly limited, I’m happy to say that, at this time, I am able to consider those requests.

If you want me to talk about your book on here (and possibly poke fun at you or insinuate horrible and untrue things about you - all in good fun), just send me an e-mail at authorazzi [at] gmail (dot) com. You should know what to do to make that work.

In your e-mail, be sure to tell me the basics - what it’s about, fiction/non-fiction, where I can find it on Amazon, etc. I’m not completely opposed to reading self-published stuff, but it will have to have a pretty intriguing premise. Seriously, if the phrases “search for self/meaning” or “heartwarming coming of age tale” show up in an e-mail about a self-published book, I’m going to hit delete.

If it sounds like something I’d enjoy devoting a few hours to, I’ll ask you to send me a review copy and I’ll put together a post that’s probably not like any other book review you’ll get. At present, I’m not too behind on my reading pile. That could change if too many amazing books start showing up.

I realize I’ve been slacking a bit lately, but I’ve got big plans for this blog as we move into 2007. With any luck, I’ll be back up to several posts a week within the first month or two of the new year. I have a huge stack of books to get through, and a whole lot of news to report on.

And of course, there will be more ridiculous photo stories. Until then, enjoy the archives and feel free to e-mail me with any good ideas. Happy Holidays!

Salman Rushdie and his super-hot wife, Padma Lakshmi. I’m a girl, and even I have to admit to being a little jealous. Wow. Is this what a few good books (Shalimar the Clown : A Novel, The Satanic Verses, Midnight’s Children) gets you?

I was talking to some friends the other day and we realized that we all have at least one book that has defeated us - Some major work that everyone and their dog has read, but still we can’t bring ourselves to read it.

For me, that book is Bleak House, by Charles Dickens. I don’t even understand it. I’ve read pretty much everything else he’s ever written, and I enjoy most of it. For some strange reason, though, I’ve never made it more than 20 pages into Bleak House.

So - that will be my goal this year. At some point in 2007, I will read Bleak House in its entirety.

What’s the book you’ve never been able to conquer?