Emily Hanlon-Tasarov, an English romance novelist and writing coach, was charged with felony assault after “accidentally” hitting her husband in the head with a phone book. After he was unconscious for a few minutes(?!), she decided to call 911. Her husband (typical victim of abuse -grin-) wants the police to drop the charges, but they refuse.

He says, “A few things began flying at the wall, and one of them was a telephone book, and unfortunately my head moved into the space that the book was flying.” Off the record, he was heard muttering, “This is all my fault. If I hadn’t burned dinner, none of this would be happening.”

Let’s take a look at this cold-blooded felon…What a knock-out!

2002 wasn’t such a great year for me. First off, palindromes freak me out. It’s also the year (according to my mother) that I officially became an old maid. Apparently, in these parts, 22 passes for an old maid. Poor me.

So anyway, I must have been crying in a pile of donuts or something when this story came out, because I know I would have remembered it. It’s not every day that a guy who writes books on stupidity proves his expertise with such flair. That’s exactly what James Welles, author of “The Story of Stupidity” and “Understanding Stupidity” did, though.

A quick rundown of the events:

-61 year old shitpile with a pulse gets on that there intarweb thingy

-Shitpile begins conversing with a 15-year-old girl, because that’s what all well-adjusted senior citizens do when you let them loose with a little technology.

-Oops. 15 year old girl isn’t a 15-year-old girl at all. It’s a 40-year-old detective (still a decade or two too young for our author friend)

-Welles, screenname JWelles103, tells his new confidante all sorts of damning things:”If we like each other physically, I’d want to get off on your bod somehow” and “I’d love to have you bring me off…it would only take a minute or two”. In a phone conversation, he says, “You just have to remember–bottom line, I’ll be committing a crime.”

-Quite the Casanova, he arranges a meeting at Denny’s - because nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets a girl worked up like a nice Meat Lovers Skillet with a man like this:

-Happy ending: Welles is arrested. Police find a bag of S&M gear in his trunk (don’t picture it if you can help it, especially if you’re still thinking about that Meat Lover’s Skillet).

This guy really is stupid. Anybody with half a brain would know that you need some kind of an excuse, if you’re going to do something like this. Sitting here typing, I can think of several excuses he could have tried:

-JWelles103? Oh no, that’s not me. I’m just JWelles, no 103 or anything. But that JWelles103, I know what you mean. He’s a sick fuck.

-What little girl? I’m just here to sober up with the early bird special. It was a long night. You should check out my trunk.

-15? Fuck me, I thought she said 51. I know I said I’d be committing a crime, but you misunderstood. I meant that sex with me SHOULD be a crime.